Go, get your Mommy !

(Did you know “A joke a day keeps the doctor away”? Unless he happens to be your fun-Doctor, in which case enhanced empathy with him is the outcome!)

A redneck family from the hills were visiting New York city and they went to a mall for the first time in their lives.
The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “Paw, what’s at?”
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain’t got no idea what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son……….
“Boy………………go gitcha Momma………….

Contract Fix !

(Did you know “A joke a day keeps the doctor away”? Unless he happens to be your fun-Doctor, in which case enhanced empathy with him is the outcome!)

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Parliament house.; one from Wellington, another from Christchurch and the third, from Kaitaia.

They go with a government official to examine the fence.
The Wellington contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well”, he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Christchurch contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Kaitaia contractor doesn’t measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, “$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Kaitaia contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Christchurch to fix the fence.”
“Done!” replies the government official.
And that friends, is how it all works!

Unforgettable Benefits !

(Did you know “A joke a day keeps the doctor away”? Unless he happens to be your fun-Doctor, in which case enhanced empathy with him is the outcome!)

Benefits of having Alzheimer’s disease:
5. You never have to watch reruns on television.

4. You are always meeting new people.

3. You don’t have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.

2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.

1. Mysteries are always interesting.

A Green Advice !

(Did you know “A joke a day keeps the doctor away”? Unless he happens to be your fun-Doctor, in which case enhanced empathy with him is the outcome!)

A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach complaints. The doctor asks him what he’s been eating.

“I only eat pool balls,” he says. “Red ones for breakfast, yellow & orange ones for lunch, blue for evening snacks, and purple & black for dinner.”

“I see the problem,” says the doctor. “You’re not getting enough greens!”

“I did try those, but my stomach never agrees with greens,” said the man.

“Oh no, take them as spinach and not as chillies!” replied the wise fun-doctor.

The tiny terrorist

The fun-side of terror!

Immediately on entering my friend’s room, I discovered the presence of the terrorist inside. She hadn’t yet paid any attention to me. But there was something in the air about her that was obviously affecting my friend’s demeanor.

My friend, normally given to a spontaneous display of cheer on every occasion of our meeting was not his usual self. His face betrayed great uneasiness and an expression of fear marred his ever-confident appearance. Despite his having made an attempt to open his mouth, no words of greeting could emanate from it and his half agape oral aperture remained transfixed for some considerable time. His display of utter helpless in the matter of being able to maintain his composure made evident the awesome effect she had been exerting on him.

And it was all most ironical. My friend with his abundantly robust physique need have feared her little on account of physical proportions for she was too puny and diminutive in comparison. She couldn’t have been bossing him either for the simple reason that my friend, sitting in the air-conditioned room of his office, was himself the boss around. He owned the place.

The factor playing havoc with my friend’s psyche was the sure knowledge of possession of a frightful weapon on her person. And the manner in which she threatened him, keeping him covered from all angles, plainly made evident her intention of putting the weapon into use.

He was sitting too far from the solitary door to have any chance of making a successful attempt to escape from the room. In any case, so menacingly threatening was her presence that he was unable to stir from his seat.

Seeing my friend reduced to a scared mass of protoplasm, I felt most bemused! I’d had some experience in dealing with her kind in the past, and although on the first few occasions my plight had been rather like my friend’s, I gradually learnt how to tackle the type of situation he was facing. Fright, therefore, was not the emotion that her sight could have evoked in me and it amused me no end to find my otherwise courageous friend feeling so totally unnerved.

She must have been a good mind reader. My amused state, and her inability to strike terror in my mind the way she could do in my friend’s case, appeared to have incensed her. She diverted her attention and proceeded to mount a furious assault on me. As she charged at me, I ducked out a range to avert being stricken on the forehead, mindful all the time of the serious consequences in the event of her being able to make use of that frightful weapon of hers.

Simultaneously, I brought both my hands up, with what my friend later described as lightning rapidity, and gripped her entire self between the flat of my palms. It took me a mere few seconds more to crush the life out of her. The tension in the room had palpably relaxed by the time I opened my palms to lay before my friend the crushed remains of his now dead tormentor – a bee with that most frightful of weapons, the sting!

A Rob Job !

(Did you know “A joke a day keeps the doctor away”? Unless he happens to be your fun-Doctor, in which case enhanced empathy with him is the outcome!)

Rob & Mark applied for the same job. They took a written test.

“You both got the same number of answers wrong. But Rob gets the job,” the recruiter informed them.

“If we both got the same number of answers wrong, how come he gets the job?” asked an indignant Mark. “That’s like you two conspiring to rob me of the job!”

“Not right,” said the recruiter. “That’s because one of Rob’s wrong answer was better than yours.”

“Hah! How can that be?”

“For question number 64, Rob wrote ‘I don’t know.’ But you were off the mark as you wrote ‘Me neither.’ “

Once in a blue moon!

(Did you know “A joke a day keeps the doctor away”? Unless he happens to be your fun-Doctor, in which case enhanced empathy with him is the outcome!)

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her love life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your husband’s face while you are making love?”

“Well, yes, once in the last five years.”

“Well, how did he look?”

“Very angry”

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, “Well, that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband’s face once during love making in the past five years; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?”

“He was looking through the window at me.”

Catch me if you can!

(Did you know “A joke a day keeps the doctor away”? Unless he happens to be your fun-Doctor, in which case enhanced empathy with him is the outcome!)

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5 Kg. weight loss program.

The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck .

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads: ‘If you can catch me, you can have me.’ Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 Kg. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/10 Kg. program.

The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: ”If you catch me you can have me.”

Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while longer to catch her but when he does, it’s definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 10Kg. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/20 Kg. program.

‘Are you sure?’ asks the representative on the phone.’This is our most rigorous program.’

‘Absolutely,’ he replies, ‘I haven’t felt this good in years.’

The next day there’s a knock at the door; when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft hunk standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: “I’m Jackie. If I catch you, you’re mine!”


Old Habits Die Hard !

(Did you know “A joke a day keeps the doctor away”? Unless he happens to be your fun-Doctor, in which case enhanced empathy with him is the outcome!)

The elderly Frenchman in his local church’s confessional says: “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked at my door & asked me to hide her from enemy. I put her up in the attic.”

“No need to ask forgiveness for that my son”, says the priest. “It was a wonderful thing to do.”

“Yeah,” says the man “but she started offering me sexual favours in return and I went along with it.”

“People in wartime situations do funny things. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven”

“That’s a great load off my mind,” says the old man. “May I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“She’s getting on a bit old now. Should I tell her the war is over?”

In Love with Myself

My short, fun- Autobiography:

A seriously fun filled tribute to Narcissism !

Love is perhaps the most divine virtue the Creator has endowed mankind with. It is what differentiates a man from a beast. We all love someone or the other at all times. And we all love to talk about our loved ones, which is why I have chosen to talk about myself – the person I have doted on all my life !

I have always been intensely in love with myself. I remember the days when, even as a tiny tot, I wouldn’t let anyone bother myself more than I would allow. I would be the one to take permission from if parents wanted to do anything unto myself : be it bathing, feeding, caressing or fondling me. I always fought to a finish to secure for me all comforts which I considered befitting myself. Of course, I  would never allow them to spank, scold or even sneer at me; such procedures I regarded as flagrantly atrocious to be tried upon such a sweet child as myself !

For friends and relatives desirous of an interaction with myself, I was the one to have sanction granted from. All through my tender years, I strove unflinchingly to protect myself from their annoyingly belittling, teasing and ridiculing intentions. As a result, none could ever dare to take liberties with me – a state of affairs which I found eminently suitable for the sensibilities of the very special person I regarded myself !

When I entered school, I constantly felt threatened by that savage tribe of individuals that carry the designation: teacher. Its members would show vengeful vindictiveness towards me just because I could not spare myself enough time to do that most useless of all tasks, the ‘home-task’. They never could understand that I found twenty four hours’ time in a day too insufficient even to perform the task of taking care of myself. In order to escape their wrath, I had to learn to play a notorious, though most soul-relieving game, viz. playing truant. While playing that solo game, I could be totally at ease with myself !

College life offered deliverance from spiteful teachers and home-tasks. Just as I was beginning to enjoy the respite, trouble erupted once again. I found myself getting lured by the charms of the fair sex. A good many maidens appeared to be vying with each other for holding my attention; a few caught it keenly enough to make myself start feeling infatuated. I sensed that the situation was fraught with perilous consequences. Allowing a damsel to influence my feelings carried the prospect of losing hold on myself. I was not prepared for it; not yet, at least. Realizing this, I promptly proceeded to insulate myself from feminine attractions. And I was mighty glad once again to be all by myself !

I finished college achieving above-average grade and with the qualifications acquired was able to secure myself a safe job in a reputed concern. Life, from then on, promised to be bliss. I felt that for the rest of my days I could be all by myself and lead a peaceful, contented life. It turned out I had heaved my sigh of relief a little too soon!

Having greatly succeeded, throughout my life, in keeping at bay all sorts of infringements upon my person by parents, friends, relatives, teachers, members of the fair sex et al, I had come to regard myself as a ‘man among men’ when, on a fateful day, I succumbed to a temptation which is the bane of all men. I decided to get married, little realizing what it really might do to myself !

My wife proved to be a very loving person; but therein was the catch. Before long, her love for me appeared to be surpassing in intensity the love I had for myself. She would love to make me move according to her best judgments and coax me into becoming the kind of man she would want to see myself as. I would have to eat, drink and wear what she felt was best for myself. I would have to inculcate the kind of society she thought befitted myself. And to take up a spare job/side business to earn more so as to buy her more dresses, jewelery, home appliances and what-have-you to be one up with the Joneses next door. I appeared to be losing steerage over myself. A tussle ensued between us, with each trying to be in charge of myself !

The tussle continues to date and is likely to do so ad infinitum, unless….The prospects don’t look very bright with neither party relenting!

Narcissism, as a result, has become a truly serious business for myself !   :P