(Did you know “A joke a day keeps the doctor away”? Unless he happens to be your fun-Doctor, in which case enhanced empathy with him is the outcome!)

A redneck family from the hills were visiting New York city and they went to a mall for the first time in their lives.
The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “Paw, what’s at?”
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain’t got no idea what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son……….
“Boy………………go gitcha Momma………….

(Did you know “A joke a day keeps the doctor away”? Unless he happens to be your fun-Doctor, in which case enhanced empathy with him is the outcome!)

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Parliament house.; one from Wellington, another from Christchurch and the third, from Kaitaia.

They go with a government official to examine the fence.
The Wellington contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well”, he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Christchurch contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Kaitaia contractor doesn’t measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, “$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Kaitaia contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Christchurch to fix the fence.”
“Done!” replies the government official.
And that friends, is how it all works!

(Did you know “A joke a day keeps the doctor away”? Unless he happens to be your fun-Doctor, in which case enhanced empathy with him is the outcome!)

Benefits of having Alzheimer’s disease:
5. You never have to watch reruns on television.

4. You are always meeting new people.

3. You don’t have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.

2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.

1. Mysteries are always interesting.

(Did you know “A joke a day keeps the doctor away”? Unless he happens to be your fun-Doctor, in which case enhanced empathy with him is the outcome!)

A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach complaints. The doctor asks him what he’s been eating.

“I only eat pool balls,” he says. “Red ones for breakfast, yellow & orange ones for lunch, blue for evening snacks, and purple & black for dinner.”

“I see the problem,” says the doctor. “You’re not getting enough greens!”

“I did try those, but my stomach never agrees with greens,” said the man.

“Oh no, take them as spinach and not as chillies!” replied the wise fun-doctor.

(Did you know “A joke a day keeps the doctor away”? Unless he happens to be your fun-Doctor, in which case enhanced empathy with him is the outcome!)

Rob & Mark applied for the same job. They took a written test.

“You both got the same number of answers wrong. But Rob gets the job,” the recruiter informed them.

“If we both got the same number of answers wrong, how come he gets the job?” asked an indignant Mark. “That’s like you two conspiring to rob me of the job!”

“Not right,” said the recruiter. “That’s because one of Rob’s wrong answer was better than yours.”

“Hah! How can that be?”

“For question number 64, Rob wrote ‘I don’t know.’ But you were off the mark as you wrote ‘Me neither.’ “

(Did you know “A joke a day keeps the doctor away”? Unless he happens to be your fun-Doctor, in which case enhanced empathy with him is the outcome!)

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her love life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your husband’s face while you are making love?”

“Well, yes, once in the last five years.”

“Well, how did he look?”

“Very angry”

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, “Well, that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband’s face once during love making in the past five years; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?”

“He was looking through the window at me.”

(Did you know “A joke a day keeps the doctor away”? Unless he happens to be your fun-Doctor, in which case enhanced empathy with him is the outcome!)

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5 Kg. weight loss program.

The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck .

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads: ‘If you can catch me, you can have me.’ Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 Kg. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/10 Kg. program.

The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: ”If you catch me you can have me.”

Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while longer to catch her but when he does, it’s definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 10Kg. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/20 Kg. program.

‘Are you sure?’ asks the representative on the phone.’This is our most rigorous program.’

‘Absolutely,’ he replies, ‘I haven’t felt this good in years.’

The next day there’s a knock at the door; when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft hunk standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: “I’m Jackie. If I catch you, you’re mine!”

(Did you know “A joke a day keeps the doctor away”? Unless he happens to be your fun-Doctor, in which case enhanced empathy with him is the outcome!)

The elderly Frenchman in his local church’s confessional says: “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked at my door & asked me to hide her from enemy. I put her up in the attic.”

“No need to ask forgiveness for that my son”, says the priest. “It was a wonderful thing to do.”

“Yeah,” says the man “but she started offering me sexual favours in return and I went along with it.”

“People in wartime situations do funny things. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven”

“That’s a great load off my mind,” says the old man. “May I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“She’s getting on a bit old now. Should I tell her the war is over?”